Does Your Manager Owe You An Apology?
Doyle Slayton | Aug 26, 2009 | Comments 46
I’ve worked for bosses who hold polar opposite views on the issue of whether or not a manager should apologize. One believes that a manager should never apologize to their employees. The other makes it a practice to apologize regularly for wrongdoings.
During the last few months, I’ve begun to solidify my views on the subject. Before I share my opinion…
What do you think… should leaders/managers apologize?
PDF Check Out These Related Articles!
Filed Under: Blog • Featured • Fun-n-Stuff • Leadership • Reader Questions • Sales
Wow, that’s the easiest question you’ve asked so far Doyle.
A manager should only apologize if they wish to establish credibility, authenticity, respect and rapport with their team.
And, I’d add that if they don’t want those attributes, they won’t be effectively managing much of anything.
I think that managing can be a lot like parenting and I believe that if you know you did something wrong, or acted hastily, or pre-judged, you gain far more by apologizing and admitting your humanity than if you take the opposite path.
Gone are the days of old school style management techniques like management by intimidation, or blind acceptance of authoritative rule. Unless you want an army of drones, this won’t draw out the contributions of a thinking, functioning team.
Apologizing is a sign of leadership. Not to do so, when you know you’ve done wrong, is a sign of weakness.
Melanie
That was perfect!
I agree 110% – well said.
This was perfect, I think I would just do a disservice to the topic if I tried to phrase it any differently.
I agree with Melanie 100%.
I have worked for both types of managers. The never apologize type never got my respect. Not having my respect means a limit to my loyalty.
The kinds who are aware of their fallability but who still strive to be the best managers possible earn respect, and TRUST. A manager I trust is one I will go to the mat for, go the extra mile for, and always support. That is the manager that makes you want to see your team succeed, and go the extra mile with them as well.
So I think it’s clear on this one!
Melanie Morris is so right on!! I work with my mate and am insulted and belittled without apologies. It weakens my spirit, my motivation, my drive, my determination to help. If only he would say “I’m sorry” instead of “I am right” It is my company and we do things MY way” “My way is the only way” I work for free and this makes it even more difficult for me. Melanie, you made day!
I agree, 100%!
I think it is appropriate to apologize when the circumstance warrants it.Managers are also human beings, and are equally capable of appropriate behavior.
My first thought? Absolutely. Anyone big enough to apologize expands in my respect. Anyone who can’t or won’t recognize their human frailties cannot be trusted.
Why?… An apology is an indication of respect and humility. One of the hallmarks of a good leader is humility (fallible, not ego-centric). Without a sober perspective of ourselves we become a detriment or even danger to our followers.
To be meaningful that apology needs to be authentic, specific and limited to his/her portion of ownership. Magnanimous gestures don’t cut it.
Wisdom in How and When is key in a positive outcome, but that was not your question.
Sincere and warranted apologies are expressions of strength, not weakness.
If the circumstances are genuine AND the event triggering the apology was activated with intent, AND any form of upset was created for someone else, OR if the apology is simply an expression of empathy over someone else’s unfortunate plight, then yes, an apology is in order!
But apologies should not be routine, unless the person offering them is an ongoing screw-up:<)(and some bosses are!)
And of course an apology that's not genuine in and of itself is meaningless and deceitful!
Frankly, if this issue is a driving influence in someone's job, he or she should be looking elsewhere for a work situation that's less stressful. (Doyle has some great positions available!)
Never apologize (just trying to be contrarian).
My apologies for the viewpoint.
Melanie said it well!.
The question implies that there is some perceived loss of managerial authority by apologizing?
Nothing could be further from the truth. Being a manager does not imply that you have to be super human.
I agree with Melanie 100%. I was thinking of the parenting analogy before even reading Melanie’s comment and I agree that offering a sincere, genuine apology is strong leadership.
I personally like apologizing quickly to my team when I’ve screwed up. This does a few things for me and the team:
(1) Many times a new, improved process will be instituted to prevent repeating the same or similar mistakes.
(2) By setting the tone that it is ok to make mistakes as long as we are honest about them, when I apologize, it reinforces a safe environment for the team to be equally honest and self-responsible.
As managers we’re supposed to have the emotional intelligence to lead by doing the right things the right way. I have to assume that if one of us accidentally bumped a stranger in a crowd we would appropriately apologize; under what circumstances would it be acceptable not to apologize for a mistake or misjudgement?
Honor, integrity, respect may be cultural dinosaurs somewhere. But they shouldn’t be!
To me, the sign of a good leader is the acceptance of accountability – which includes apologies if warranted.
I wouldn’t want to work for someone who didn’t have humility and couldn’t acknowledge if they’d made a mistake.
Growth is completely a part of the human process. An apology is a sincere act of growing, learning from whatever the experience may be and moving forward.
Absolutely! I agree fully with Melanie & Robin. They stated my thoughts completely.
Good question!
Absolutely….great question…managers who don’t own thier mistakes seem to cause fear and dishonesty among thier team mates…and needless to say that if there is no integrity or trust within your team you have nothing to work with.
Yes, Managers and leaders should always apologize to their team, department and/or division if necessary. They should apologize to THEIR direct managers first and then reach out to their direct reports after. This can be done on an individual basis and/or team meeting. The very act of owning up to a mistake demonstrates the manager is qualified to hold the position and understands basic concepts of communication. If they are unable to apologize then they should hold a position of authority.
Market Leaders build trust in their teams.
When you make a mistake you authentically apologize and reinforce trust.
Leader who can not admit error are Market losers.
Mark Allen Roberts
Yes, if you have done something wrong or for some reason you have done something unfair to your team.
No, in a situation, where only autocratic behaviour leads to motivation of the team.
As a manager , it’s best to apologize and correct ones’ mistakes ,at the same time one should learn from others mistakes – be it seniors/ peers/ colleagues /sub ordinates .It shows your moral fibre and proves one’s intergity .A sub ordinate will respect and love you more for being morally and intellectuly honest and humble .
It encourages the Team members to accept mistakes and correct it instead of justifying it .We learn from mistakes and nobody is perfect .
As a part of human relation, apology is very important.
I only read Melanie Morris comment and none else.
All I have to say on this is that there’s no more to say after her comment.
Good day!
Sales Leadership requires both the recognition that you need to apologize when you cross the line with a team member but also the need to lead through what is required without apologizing as long as the team is clear on the difference. There needs to be a balance. I have worked around people who apologize too much, and it is a distraction to the task at hand.
I agree with the authenticity comments completely- if you make a mistake with a person, and you know it, an apology, the sooner the better is appropriate.
I agree with Melanie that managing is a lot like parenting and that being able to admit that something is wrong without feeling like it obligates you to give up your authority is very important.
I think that Dick brings up a question that is just as important, “I have to assume that if one of us accidentally bumped a stranger in a crowd we would appropriately apologize; under what circumstances would it be acceptable not to apologize for a mistake or misjudgement?”
Doyle, maybe you include Dick’s question in your response?
Thanks again for great questions like this!
Melanie you got it right – this is the easiest one so far not even close. Any time you have done a wrong it deserves an action on your part I don’t care your position in life or the company.
Not debatable as far as I am concerned.
A good leader will apologize when they are wrong. It is not a title that earns the respect and loyalty of others, it is the actions – in every part of life.
Wow! I was unaware that this was even an issue. What a silly concept that managers have the “right” or authority to avoid or disregard others thoughts, feelings and emotions. A manager that offers a sincere apology for a mistake he or she made will get much more respect and productivity out of the team then if it is glossed over and allowed to simmer at the water cooler, etc.
Like so many others have stated before me, I feel the need to echo my experience as well. Every strong relationship has foundational qualities of trust and respect. In business and in life. To expect others to own up to their own responsibilities, as a manager, it is important for this to modeled well – including when mistakes are made – apologizing for them is key. If not, the cornerstones of trust and respect are at risk.
Well-said Melanie.
Doyle,
Apologizing for what?
I am assuming your question speaks to decisons within the team. Or are you talking about something else?
An apology would hardly ever be necessary if issues, directives, plans, results etc include a robust discussion in a safe environment, (Larry Bossidy.)
BW
Apologizing is simply the right thing to do whether you are a boss, the CEO, the President, a child, or any individual contributor. Level or title should have nothing to do with saying your sorry.. expect that with great responsibility comes sreater accoutnability. Therefore, a manager should be quick to say Im sorry when needed to set a good leadership example.
Corporate America and our Government would be well served to put this into practice when a mistake is made or someone is offended.
I expect my employees to be upfront and apologize for mistakes to our clients. As much as we try to eliminate mistakes they do happen and the integrity of our organization revolves on how we acknowledge those mistakes as well as responding to them.
With this said, if I expect this kind of behavior from my employees, they should expect that from me.
I can’t think of any reason in the world why a manager should NOT apologize.
In my professional career, the majority of my managers were right away willing to apologize if there was a need. I am not talking about apologizing for every last boo boo…I am talking about being firm but fair.
I had one boss…the owner, actually…who did something (intentionally) to not only hurt my relationship with another employee, but to hurt my earning power altogether. I was told by his assistant that he would NEVER apologize to me, or even address the issue. She was right, and I ultimately quit. Many of my past employers I have regarded as teachers, friends and mentors. I will only remember this man as being an arrogant self-serving prick.
What kind of manager do YOU want to be, and how do you want to be remembered by your peers?
Hello again, Doyle. Good to see you continuing to challenge, inspire, and clarify thinking on critical issues through the use of solid questions.
The short answer to your question without qualification is: Yes – a Leader should, and most often will, apologize when there is cause or justification for it. In my opinion, an argument can be made for why it is even MORE IMPORTANT AND ESSENTIAL for Leaders to apologize when strength of character and the situation calls for it; the greater the Leader, the greater his/her sphere of influence. Today, more than ever in our history, captured information flows at speeds beyond sound: What tone do you, as a Leader, wish to continue to inspire through that influence?
So, at issue here is what is the litmus test? IOW – When is an apology merited? Is the apology for some personally-inflicted affront, or one committed by one of his/her people? Could the situation/conflict under consideration have been reasonably avoided? How? Who will be affected by said apology? How will the group be affected if an apology is not forthcoming? What is the desired outcome of the apology? Is it an end, in and of itself, or a means to forge a new beginning??? Some relevant questions worth considering in an effort to add to your own…
So the answers to those questions will be as myriad as the circumstances surrounding them, but the theme I wish to convey is this: When you have EARNED the mantle of Leadership and wish to continue to HONOR it, you will find that sometimes brings with it the RESPONSIBILITY to apologize.
This is something that the weak bosses/managers I’ve come into contact with have never fully fathomed: Rather than showing weakeness or vulnerability, a merited apology, correctly conveyed and with solid answers to some of the questions above:
Demonstrates integrity
Grows strength and confidence (because it takes both to offer one)
Helps to reduce conflict and move the relationship back into growth mode
Shows accountability and humility
Builds team unity and mutual respect
If anyone takes exception to this I welcome a conversation off-line, but must caution you in advance I won’t be apologizing for what I’ve said here. ;0)
As always, hope this helps…
Victor Valerga
I think one should apologize when needed. It shows compassion, empathy and the willingness to admit mistakes.
So…one day you are not a manager and open to all human frailties and yes, mistakes. The next day you are a manager and suddenly you need to make sure that you are mistake proof. Nobody is good enough to make the transition to perfection. Being named a manager is much more fun than being one…especially if you are trying to be perfect (or create the perception). Be yourself.
Is there anyone on the face of the earth who shouldn’t apologize when warranted?
Nope. So that includes managers.
Well said Melanie.
Does your manager OWE you an apology?
Not at all. Nobody OWES you anything, unless it is agreed upon. When you are hired, there is no “assumed” indebtedness for apologies or anything else.
That is what separates the wheat from the chaff or the great leaders from the lousy ones.
It is earned or given freely. It gives each individual a choice whether to stay employed at that company or not. Just by the act of remaining under an idiot boss that won’t apologize for his mistakes, or do the things that we would believe are right and moral and ethical for him to do, we are basically saying it is fine for him to continue that way.
Debating and influencing individuals to change will amount to a waste of time and effort. Start acting and we will see a change. Act by taking the initiative and bringing it up to the individual and/or the HR department. Odds are very good that one or the other (or both) will make your life miserable. Therefore, in the long run, leaving the company is the best thing to do. Eventually, a high turnover rate under a specific individual will have to make some impact either on the numbers, with upper management, or both.
Again, it is all about the dollars. That is where it hurts and that is where you will make a difference. All of these dicsussions are fantastic, but are literally useless without action.
When the morals are forced on a company (companies) by the actions of individuals leaving in droves, they will change. If not, it will be business as usual and they will promote or hire those idiot bosses we all hate.
Absolutely I think if someone needs to aplogize for making a mistake it does not matter if you are the boss, you are still human. Humans make mistakes and should be responsible for them and apology. If you are the boss and apology for a mistake you will gain more respect than just pretending it never happened.
I have NEVER heard the exact words “I’m sorry” from a manager, supervisor or owner– and I’ve worked for ALOT of companies. But there are subtle ways that these individuals can “own up” to their mistakes without looking weak or vulnerable to admin or sales staff. The ones that can’t take responsibility almost invariably fail.
Yes, leaders/managers should apologize.
All the responses advocating active apologizing are so correct. What type of manager would I be if I couldn’t acknowledge my own mistakes!
That hit home! Some managers are jerks while others are true leaders. I’ve known a few jerks and thank heaven, a few leaders!
At my mother’s knee, in Sunday School and in kindergarten, I was taught to admit mistakes and apologize if I did wrong to someone. I have read a number of articles and books that equate apologies with a concesssion of power–as a sign of weakness. I totally disagree with that propositon. Having been a manager for most of my 30 year sales career,I can attest to the fact that people appreciate the ability of a manager to admit a mistake or to apologize for an error. Managing is about getting things done through people, and you can get a lot more out of people when they respect you and believe you have integrity. Mom was right.
Melanie said it so well. Manager’s after all are only human and as human beings, we soemtimes make mistakes. Apoligies are simply the right thing to do if you expect to get the most from your people. We work with people who have emotions and without an apology when the time is appropriate, a manager can be viewed as a tyrant and will get very respect or effort from their staff. If you show your team you care for them, you will have a more efficiently run department. If we care about members of our staff, then we definately apologize when we make mistakes.
I was working in Singapore until recently for the third largest company in Denmark. My wife was diagnosed with Cancer (at first), and for a couple of months I wasn’t able to hand in my weekly, and monthly reports on time. I was then fired by the Management (regional manager) for poor performance, even though he knew about my situation. I sent a complaint to HQ in Denmark, and two days later I was back in my old job. Never ever got a sorry or anything even close, and on top of that, they wanted me to report to that same boss who had just fired me, for another 8 months, until they could find someone else for me to report to…
They found a new boss about 8 months later, only to fire him 5 months, later, where they then put in a new boss again who then fired me, again without any form of apology.
The company, internally, is a mess, but externally everybody thinks it’s one of the best companies in Europe, and they even won a price for being the best work place….
This is a company of some 20000 employess, which is rotten all the way from the top down.