33 Outrageous Things Managers Say About Employees!

Doyle Slayton | Nov 04, 2009 | Comments 5

I received this list in my email the other day and busted out laughing with each comment I read. I guess it’s funny as long as my manager isn’t saying these things about me. I knew immediately that I had to share it with all of my readers!

Written by Sunil Bali
[Contributing Author]

I’ve been responsible for hiring and overseeing the development of over 50,000 people in my corporate days and must confess that I’ve never seen any of these comments, but apparently, they have been taken from actual employee appraisals. Enjoy!

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

3. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

4. “He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.”

5. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

6. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

7. “This employee should go far and the sooner he starts the better.”

8. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

9. “Got a full 6-pack, but without the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

10. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

11. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

12. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

13. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

14. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

15. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

16. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

17. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

18. “Has two brain cells: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

19. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

20. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

21. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

22. “It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.”

23. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

24. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”

25. “Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.”

26. “A room temperature IQ.”

27. “He’s so dense, light bends around him.”

28. “Bright as Alaska in December.”

29. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

30. “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”

31. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

32. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

33. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

For the last ten years, Sunil has been at the forefront in the field of human achievement and well-being. He has empowered both individuals and organisations to maximise their potential and well-being, through his inspirational speaking, writing – Sunil is the author of “Mind, Set & Match”- and coaching. He ‘walks his talk’ and has held directorships of both FTSE 100 and NASDAQ listed companies. Roles include Director of Talent Management & Resourcing on behalf of Vodafone Group, Santander and Cable & Wireless Europe.

Sunil’s first degree in Sports Science and Psychology fuelled his passion for the psychology of human achievement and well-being. As well as possessing an MBA, he is a qualified Psychotherapist and Master Practitioner of Neuro Linguistic Programming. Visit his web site at SunilBali.com

Surely these comments didn’t really come from actual performance reviews… at least you would hope not. What outrageous comments have you heard managers make about employees?